Once at a time, everything will be in the right place

I send this flowers to the beautiful soul lies in me

Thanking her for blooming in the right time

Loving her for keeping her head up during the hardest time

Hugging her soul since it is the only one who understands her

Telling her everything's gonna be okay though the thunder and storm inside her is still beating

You are awesome

You are doing great

Once at a time, everything will be in the right place

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The Hate I Had

Since I felt betrayed in social relations, the anxious feeling to meet people was indescribable. I lost my energy to do almost everything related to people.

I hate small talks. I hate faking smile. I hate to perform perfectly in stage. I hate to speak fluently in academics during my brain lag. I hate managing event that held satisfyingly. I hate to post materials and learning videos during my episodes. I hate to check others' presence as if I am there too at the present.

I hate to think that people think I am okay. I hate to fake my presence. I hate to force my brain to tune in. I hate to participate in group conversation and tasks. I hate to listen to people noise and conversation. I hate to be surrounded by many people. I hate to attend social gatherings. I hate to meet people I know. I hate to answer any question in the air.

I hate to spread positive vibes in any occasion from my depression cave. I hate to keep myself awake during the day and being productive. I hate to criticize any social dysfunction while I am the dysfunctional itself. I hate faking my functional role in society. 

I hate to pretend I am less ill than someone who has physical illness. I hate to pretend that I could be the one anybody can rely on. I hate to act strong while I am surrender inside. I hate to pretend that I don't need any help. I hate to say sorry for my dysfunctional behavior. What should be sorry for an illness? Am I asking for this? But, why did I feel so guilty for not getting anything in the right place. I hate to pretend I am preparing my coming back after I am staying in my depression cave. 

I am at the point the hug doesn't feel warm and the words can't comfort me. Although you are honest and sincere, I am still that kind of distrust and socially awkward. It's not your fault. I am sorry, it's my brain who told me to do so. And also sorry for being honest, I hate to say sorry about this actually because I didn't think it's my fault. I don't want to be so overwhelmed having social life, but what can I do if my brain tells my feeling to do so? I couldn't control it. Now, I know what does this sentence means:

Can you just leave me alone?

 

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Mau Sampai Kapan?

Nggak mudah melalui ini semua bagi diriku sendiri. Nggak mudah menjadi saksi mata atas apa yang aku alami di hidupku. Mungkin juga nggak mudah bagi orang-orang di sekitarku yang bahkan hanya sambil lalu bertegur sapa denganku.

Kadang aku bertanya-tanya, mengapa semua jadi seperti ini? Mengapa keadaan berubah drastis? Ke mana energi yang kumiliki selama ini untuk mengekspresikan segala hal di dalam kepalaku? Di titik mana semua tiba-tiba menjadi sesuatu yang begitu berbeda?

Pertanda itu sudah muncul sejak aku secara perlahan melepas ikatan satu per satu dengan orang lain. Aku bahkan berpikir, aku tidak sanggup menjalani hubungan kecuali dengan diriku sendiri. Aku merasa buruk bahkan sebagai seorang pasangan. Aku tidak pantas mendapatkan apapun dan siapapun. Aku tidak bisa menerima apapun tanpa memberikan timbal balik. Sejak kapan aku berpikir demikian?

Akan tetapi ini bukan tentang kisah cinta. Ini tentang diriku yang mungkin belum selesai dengan trauma di masa lalu. Atau mungkin diriku yang sedang kewalahan menghadapi trauma lain yang baru saja menerpa. Aku tak melihat seberkas cahaya pun di ujung kegelapan. Mau sampai kapan?

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